


The Best of K Unit

by Jusmine



Category: Alex Rider - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-10-07
Updated: 2009-03-07
Packaged: 2017-10-13 15:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jusmine/pseuds/Jusmine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Rider and K-Unit should not be mixed. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goldilocks

The one thing that Alex Rider wanted to do most in the world was to sleep. Sleep for hours and hours…Hell, sleep for _days._

Unfortunately, it hardly seemed that he was going to get any sleep in his current situation, which was stumbling through the Welsh mud.

This was Alex's second time at the SAS training camp, the Brecon Beacons. At least this time he wasn't missing any school, as it was during his summer holidays. This wasn't Alex's ideal summer holiday, but it was better than getting even farther behind on school, or being forced into doing another mission for MI6.

When Alex had asked Mrs. Jones why he was going back to the Brecon Beacons, he had been told that each SAS unit had an annual refreshers course in hell, so when K-Unit was scheduled to go back, MI6 decided that it would be helpful for Alex to complete his training.

Alex was currently on a run. He'd had more time than K-Unit to complete it, but he got the feeling that his 30 minute time-limit was almost up, and he still had about a kilometer left to go.

When he finally stumbled to the end of his run, five minutes late, he was greeted by an unpleasant sight.

"You're five minutes late, Cub!" the Sergeant, a tall, muscled black man barked, making a big show of checking his large, military style watch. "Twenty-five." Alex knew that the man was telling him that he owed twenty-five push-ups

Alex groaned softly as he went down onto his hands and knees to complete his twenty-five push-ups.

When he - finally - finished the push-ups, he was free to get a shower in before "dinner," which would most likely be something that was hardly edible.

Alex passed K-Unit as the other men left the showers. Wolf, the leader of the unit, was rather short, but broad-shouldered and heavily muscled. His serious, slightly Hispanic face was twisted in dislike at the sight of Alex. Wolf immediately marched off towards the mess hall, closely followed by Snake, a tall, thin, fair-skinned man with blue eyes was K-Unit's medic. He had always been a tad more acceptant of Alex, acting almost friendly on their return to the Brecon Beacons, and he seemed to be rather reluctant about following Wolf to the mess. Apparently, however, his stomach was over-ruling his manners.

"Hey, Cub," Fox said. Fox wasn't actually SAS. He used to be a member of K-Unit, but then he'd transferred to MI6 and worked with Alex on the mission with ASIS. Fox was back at Brecon Beacons to get his fitness back up after having been shot in the arm.

"Fox-" Alex began, before Eagle, the last member of K-Unit, interrupted.

"Guess what, Cub?" Eagle was practically bouncing. He seemed to be the youngest. About average height, with dark hair and gray eyes, he was also strangely hyper for a professional soldier. Alex was still unsure what to make of him.

"What?" Alex asked warily. He was pretty sure that it was dangerous for him to have answered the older man, and the faintly evil smile that appeared on the older man's face only confirmed that idea.

"We've already taken our showers! See you at dinner! We might even be able to save some food for you." With that, Eagle bounced off towards the mess, humming cheerfully as he went.

Alex raised an eyebrow at the energetic man's retreating back.

"Er - sorry about that, Cub," Fox began awkwardly. "I mean - about Wolf. And Snake. And Eagle…"

"It's fine," Alex said quietly. "I'm just going to go take a shower…" Alex trailed off, gesturing towards the door that K-Unit had come out of.

"Oh - sorry," Fox apologized awkwardly. "See you at dinner."

Alex nodded and opened the door to the showers.

"Oh, and Cub?"

Alex turned around. "Yeah?"

"We will save you some food," Fox grinned.

"Thanks," Alex smiled slightly. He was too exhausted to laugh.

* * *

When Alex had gone to the mess, he found that Fox had kept his word, and he hadn't let the others eat all the food. Alex had eaten his fair share of the disgusting stuff (he wasn't sure it could really be called food), and he would finally, finally get some sleep now.

Back in their cabin, Alex and K-Unit got ready to go to sleep.

Wolf collapsed onto his bunk, only to moan:

"Why are these beds so _soft_?"

"You call this _soft_?" Snake demanded, looking distastefully at his rock-hard bunk.

Wolf just grunted in reply; apparently the "softness" of his bunk wasn't going to deter him from a good night's sleep.

Alex sat on his own very uncomfortable bunk while he pulled his boots and jacket off. Yawning, he fell back onto his bunk, his eyes closed, and already half out of the world. Alex sank gently down into sleep.

He was dreaming: He and Jack were in the kitchen, and Alex was a small child again, maybe nine years old.

"Tell me a story!" Alex demanded in his dream…But it wasn't Alex's voice.

It was Eagle's. And that was definitely Wolf's voice answering. "Just go to sleep, Eagle! I'm too tired right now."

"But _I'm_ not tired!" Eagle whined. Alex had never realized how high-pitched Eagle's voice was. "Come on, Wolf! Just one little story? Pleeeeeaasee?"

Even without being about to see Eagle, Alex knew that the man was administering puppy eyes.

"No, Eagle! Fox'll tell you one…" Wolf's voice trailed off to be replaced by a low snore.

"Fox?" Eagle's forlorn voice was quiet. The overall effect was quite piteous.

Fox sighed audibly, as he said patiently, "What story do you want to hear, Eagle?"

"How about Goldilocks?" Eagle asked eagerly.

Fox's sigh was more of a groan this time, his voice was a tad strained as he said, "Fine. Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Eagle-"

"I don't want to be Goldilocks!" Eagle whined. "I never get to be one of the bears! Wolf can be Goldilocks this time." Eagle sounded pleased with his choice for the role.

Wolf reacted rather strongly for someone who was fast asleep. "No way in hell!" he shouted.

"Be quiet!" Snake moaned from his bunk.

"I am _not_ going to be _Goldilocks_!" Wolf hissed menacingly. "Snake can be," he said decisively.

"No, Snake _cannot!_ " Snake's bunk creaked ominously as he shot upright.

"Come on, Snake - please?" Eagle asked eagerly.

"No way! Fox can be - he'd make a much better Goldilocks." Snake had obviously decided that logic was the way to go.

So had Fox, however. "Hey, guys!" he protested. "I'm telling the story!"

"Then who's going to be Goldilocks?" Snake asked.

"Who cares?" Wolf muttered, but Eagle ignored him.

"Cub can be!" Eagle said excitedly. "He's perfect for it - look, he's even got blond hair!"

There was a badly-concealed snort of laughter from Wolf at that comment. "Oh, yeah, except for those dark roots…" he let his voice trail off at the end.

"Hey," Alex protested weakly, his voice muffled by his pillow. This was definitely a strange dream. "It's not dyed!"

"Well, then you make an even better Goldilocks," Fox put in hastily. He began his story again before anyone could make any more protests:

"Once upon a time there was a little boy named Goldilocks..."

"No! I am not going to be called 'Goldilocks'!" Alex said. "Just call me Cub, alright?"

"Fine," Fox replied, obviously pleased that Alex had only objected at the name, and not the part in the story.

Alex decided that this was the weirdest dream he had ever had as Fox happily continued with his tale…

 _Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Cub. Cub was a naughty little boy, and was always getting into trouble-_

"Hey!" Alex protested, deciding that if he had to live through this awful, traumatizing dream, he might as well participate in it. "Why do I have to be 'naughty'? That's the least macho adjective you could have used!"

"Well, now you aren't exactly 'macho' in the first place, Cub," Wolf drawled cuttingly.

"Shh!" Eagle hissed. "I'm trying to listen to my story!"

Alex grudgingly swallowed his reply, and Wolf just snorted.

Fox continued his story:

 _One day he was very naughty, and his mother couldn't handle having him around any more, so she sent him to play in the woods surrounding their little house._

 _Cub wandered farther into the woods than he'd ever gone before, and he came upon a little cottage in a clearing. The building was very similar to Cub's own house, so he was very curious about it. He was about to go up to the door when the door opened, and three bears came out. Cub quickly ducked behind some bushes. He was very bored, and somehow hiding made this little jaunt seem more adventurous._

" _We'll just take a walk while the porridge is cooling," said one of the bears in a high-pitched voice._

" _Why, Mommy?" whined one of the other bears, whom Cub now realized were bigger than Whiner._

" _They must be a mommy, a daddy, and a me!" Cub whispered very, very quietly._

 _Cub waited until the three bears had strolled away between the trees before he army-crawled up to the door and slipped quietly inside._

 _Cub looked around. There was a long, low table with three different-sized bowls of porridge. There was a big one, a medium one, and a little one._

 _Now, Cub was a_ very _greedy little boy, so he immediately trotted over to the table, and grabbed the spoon beside the biggest bowl, and happily dug into the large bowl._

" _Ew!" Cub squealed. "Too hot!"_

"I don't 'squeal'!" Alex squealed.

Wolf snorted with laughter. "Yeah? Well what do you call what you just did?"

Alex blushed slightly. "I was merely objecting to the choice of adjectives that Fox is using to describe me!"

"You do squeal sometimes, though, Cub," Eagle said thoughtfully.

"Eagle," Fox said warningly. Turning to Alex, he grinned. "I'll try to refrain from using such…un-macho adjectives, Cub."

 _Cub moved over to the middle-sized bowl, and took a tentative bite from it._

" _Gross! Too spicy!"_

 _Cub very, very,_ very _hesitantly looked towards the small bowl. He almost decided to just skip the porridge, and go explore the rest of the cottage, but his stomach growled just then, and so he just_ had _to try the littlest bowl._

 _So, he moved slowly over to the littlest bowl. He picked up the spoon, and dipped it very carefully into the littlest bowl…"Perfect!" was the exclamation this time, and Cub's hunger took over._

" _Whoops!" he said guiltily a scant few minutes later, after completely demolishing the Littlest Bowl's porridge._

"Please tell me that we won't have to listen to 'Goldilocks'," Snake cut in, interrupting the story.

"We already are," Eagle said helpfully, thinking that maybe Snake was suffering from a bad case of short term memory loss.

Snake was glaring. Alex knew that even before the man started rummaging around in his bag, eventually pulling out a torch, and turning it on.

"I meant," he began, "that we shouldn't have to listen to the Goldilocks 'plotline'. Y'know, porridge, chairs, beds. It would be quite ironic if Fox were to put something with guns in it, seeing as where we are right now." he glanced around the hut distastefully.

"Fine," Fox said irritably. "Now shut up and let me finish the story!"

 _Now, a full stomach_ always _made Cub hyper, so the next thing on his agenda was to explore the rest of the cottage. He marched away from the table and the door…and - as he wasn't exactly looking where he was going - walked smack-dab into a cabinet._

 _Cub about-faced and walked past the cabinet before he realized that there was something very odd about it: Only three of the walls were made of traditional wood. The other wall was made of some clear wood that Cub had never seen before._

" _What is that?" Cub asked himself quietly. And then he realized that there were three strange devices inside the cabinet - he could, of course, see these objects through the clear wood, which Cub decided to call "glass"._

 _Curious, Cub walked back around to the front of the cabinet. He now saw a handle on the Glass side of the cabinet. So, or course, he decided that he_ had _to open the door and find out what those strange black things were._

 _The door's hinges creaked ominously, and for the first time since he'd entered the bear's cottage uninvited, Cub was a little scared. What if those bears came back?_

 _Cub shrugged these minor worries off. He just_ had _to see those black thingies up close!_

 _He swung the door all the way out, as far as it would go, and climbed up onto the small ledge where the door had been, wincing as he scraped his knee on a rough bit of wood._

" _Ow!" he squealed as a few drops of blood rose from his scraped knee and splattered down to the floor and the ledge that Cub was currently occupying._

" _Oh, never mind!" he muttered to himself as he stretched up very, very high to reach for the biggest black thingy. He had to go up on tip-toes to reach the bottom of it. Now all he had to do was actually get the black thingy down._

 _Meanwhile, he'd realized what the black thingies really were: "They're guns!" Cub announced happily to himself. "Mommy told me about them…But she told me never to touch one…" His voice trailed off as he weighed his conscience versus his curiosity._

 _His curiosity won, and he returned to the task of getting the guns down._

 _Which was harder than he'd expected. Cub eventually ended up having to give a little hop to pop it off of its hook at the top of the cabinet._

 _Then, of course, he fell over backwards, landing on his butt, and clutching the gun to his chest._

" _That's cold!" he said rather loudly, his voice echoing around the tiny room. He paused, holding his breath, once again hoping that the bears hadn't heard, and therefore weren't returning. After a moment, he sighed with relief, and stood up slowly._

 _Finally Cub could look at this strange, cold, black gun up close! But now he realized that it was actually rather heavy, and he almost dropped it._

" _Maybe this one's too heavy…" Cub decided that it might be better to get the medium-sized gun, so that he wouldn't drop it._

 _Unfortunately, after maneuvering the medium-sized down, he realized that this one was also too big and heavy, leaving him with but one choice: the littlest gun._

 _This time, it was easier to get the gun down, as the hook that the gun was resting on was lower than the others_

 _After not too much difficulty, he gripped it firmly to his chest, holding it with both arms, and marched over to the porridge table. Giving a disdainful look towards the biggest and middle-sized bowls, Cub shoved them roughly away. They fell off of the table with a bump and a slight squelching sound as the porridge splashed out._

 _Then he set the gun down in the place that the bowls had been in._

 _Giving a reverent look to the Littlest Bowl, he very carefully picked the beautiful wooden bowl up and hugged it before putting it safely under the table._

 _Now Cub marched excitedly back to the gun._

 _Examining it closely, he saw that it was very strangely shaped: It was long, and one end was thick, while the other end was rather thin. Also, at the thick end, there was a strange piece that curved down and towards the thick end._

 _Cub examined the black gun thingy from all angles, and now saw the piece along what he assumed was the top. The piece was just a round thing that was clear except for a few black lines on it._

 _Cub propped the gun up on the table, so that the "top," with the round thing, was facing up. Cub stretched his arms way down the gun, as far as they could go (which was only a little ways down the gun), and managed to hold the piece that curved down. When his arms had been stretching, he'd heard a slight clicking sound, but he'd just figured that his wrist had popped. It had been doing that a lot recently._

 _But as his fingers wrapped around the curving part, he heard a far more alarming noise than that one little pop: there was a series of louder pops, and a shredding sound. Cub looked up tentatively, almost afraid that that was the bears coming back. Cub jumped as he realized that that shredding noise had been the wall, of which pieces were now in splinters._

 _Cub looked down at the gun again. "Whoops! I didn't mean to fire it!" he sounded guilty, even to his own ears. He quickly decided, however, that it didn't really matter. After all, it wasn't as if that was_ his _wall._

"I'm glad to see that you've given me such fine morals," Alex said dryly, thinking that he should've been too tired to have such an insane dream. Apparently not.

"Cub, just stop thinking of you and Cub as being the same people!" Snake said irritably. "I want to listen to the story."

"You're actually _listening_ to it, Snake?" Wolf snorted. "I guess you would be one to enjoy maimed fairytales."

Snake blushed. "Fox tells it well," he blustered.

Fox started laughing almost hysterically. "Thanks," he managed to gasp out. It took him almost five minutes to regain his control enough to continue the story.

 _Cub was getting bored of playing with the gun by now, so he turned his attention elsewhere._

 _He began walking in the direction that he had been heading in before he ran across the guns. This time, though, he avoided the cabinet, carefully walking around it._

 _Once he'd successfully maneuvered his way around the cabinet, Cub saw a door. It was closed, so of course it piqued Cub's mischievous interest._

 _Grinning deviously, he marched over to the Mysterious Closed Door, and reached up to turn the door handle. The door moaned as Cub shoved it in. The door hit the wall with a dull thud as cub had had to push it very hard to get it open. Apparently a little too hard, as there was now a dent where the door handle had hit the wall._

 _Cub once again decided that it didn't matter since it wasn't his wall._

 _Now, of course, there was the task of finding out what was in the room. "This is gonna be fun!" he grinned._

 _He marched swiftly into the room past the Mysterious Open Door, and immediately noticed yet another door to the left of the door he'd just opened._

" _Doors are fun," he told himself, so he marched over to the newest victim._

 _After a brief tussle with said door, Cub realized that this door opened_ towards _him, instead of_ away _from him. This realized, he found that it was ridiculously easy to open Mysterious Closed Door, Jr._

" _Now what are these?" Cub muttered to himself, when he saw what he was faced with strange black vest things. And, of course, there were three of them. A big one, a medium-sized one, and a small one._

 _Cub decided to get a closer look, so he walked into the closet, and strained to reach his short arms way, way,_ way _high up, and pull the biggest one off of the highest hook._

 _When he finally got it down, using the hop technique that had been so effective in getting those guns down, Cub was surprised to find that the vest was really quite stiff, and even huger than he'd previously realized._

 _He shrugged and decided to try it on anyway._

" _Ugh! It looks like a dress!" he squeaked, and immediately shrugged it off, deciding that the medium-sized vest might fit better._

" _Still too big! Maybe the littlest one…?"_

 _He repeated the process of getting a vest down for the third time. As it had been with the guns, the littlest thing was easiest to get down, as its hook was lower._

" _This one fits just right!" was the pronouncement this time._

 _Still happily wearing his new vest, Cub marched back out of the closet, and into the room, which he now realized was utterly fascinating. It had beds. Three of them, of the usual sizes: big, medium and little._

 _Not only were there three beds to choose from, but they also all looked so_ soft _, and so_ comfortable _._

 _Cub thought that the biggest bed looked to be the softest one of the lot. Unfortunately, it seemed that he would have to take a running start to get on top of it._

 _So Cub marched back to the door that he had entered the room through in the first place, and about-faced so that he was turned towards the big bed. Taking a deep breath, he launched himself towards the big bed, and pumped his arms for maximum speed._

 _He leaped up high into the air, and bounced down onto the big bed, which was way too hard, and he landed on the flabby parts that prolong the small of the back._

"What the hell?" Wolf asked, actually sounding interested.

"It's from 'The Three Musketeers'," Snake said. "Now shut up."

" _Ow!" Cub shrieked. "Beds are supposed to be soft!"_

 _He hopped down off of the big bed, rubbing his behind as he did so. He looked up at the medium-sized bed that was right next to the big bed, and wondered if it was softer or not._

 _Shrugging, he decided to try it anyway. The middle-sized bed was lower than the biggest bed, but Cub would still have to take a running start. So he repeated the same process that he'd gone through to get onto the biggest bed._

 _This time he yelled "I'm drowning!" as he sank farther and farther down into the mattress, which couldn't really be a bed. It had to be a marshmallow masquerading as a bed._

 _Flailing his arms and legs frantically, Cub managed to extract himself from the Marshmallow, and fell heavily onto the ground. Groaning from his violent contact with the floor, Cub glared up at the Marshmallow. "If I knew which finger to use, I'd flip you off!" he muttered to the Evil Bed._

"Aw, little Cubby doesn't even know which finger to use," Wolf laughed hysterically. "It's time for a little lesson, don't you think, Cubby?" He then demonstrated the fine points of "the finger etiquette".

"Shut up, Wolf," Cub yawned, though why he was yawning when he was already asleep and dreaming, he wasn't sure. "Fox? Just get the damn story over with already."

 _Cub eyed the littlest bed dubiously, wondering if he managed to get on it if the result would be less hazardous._

 _Cub decided that he might as well try it. It wouldn't be as hard to get onto as the biggest bed and the Marshmallow had been because it was low enough for him to climb onto._

 _Cub marched over to his new victim, and began the rather difficult task of climbing up and_ up _to the mattress of the littlest bed._

 _As he lay down on the bed, Cub shouted joyfully:_

" _It's perfect!"_

 _Yawning, he realized just how tired he was. Remembering what his mother had always told him about spending the night somewhere without her approval, Cub decided that it didn't matter. He was, after all, a very_ naughty _little boy, and very rarely did as he was told anyway._

 _Cub settled back onto the pillow, and pulled up the sheets. He was suddenly too tired to even remove his combat boots. All he could do was reach into his pocket and pull out his iPod, and turn up his Nightwish. (1) Once his beloved tunes were blasting in his ears, Cub quickly fell fast asleep…_

 _Meanwhile, the three bears were coming back to their home. The last thing they expected to see as they entered through their front door was the biggest bowl, and the middle-sized bowl and their contents to be spilled all over the floor. They didn't expect to see the littlest bowl, completely empty, placed carefully under the table._

 _They didn't expect to see their gun cabinet open, with all the guns out of it, the littlest of which was lying on the table where their porridge had been._

 _And they_ definitely _didn't expect to see one of their walls riddled with bullet-holes._

" _What happened here?" the middle-sized bear gasped._

"Please don't tell me the bears are who I think they are!" Wolf moaned.

Fox just grinned evilly.

 _Whiner - the smallest bear - let out a high-pitched squeal of some sort, hopping up and down while he did so._

"Well, that one's definitely Eagle." Snake said, rolling his eyes.

It was a sign of how into the story Eagle was that he didn't take offense at that.

 _The biggest bear just stood there, working his jaw._

 _The middle-sized bear, whose name was Snake, quickly marched over to the spilled porridge, muttering quite viciously to herself. Snake was shadowed by Whiner - a.k.a. Eagle._

 _The biggest bear, whose name was Wolf, marched over to the wall Cub had inadvertently peppered with bullets._

"Oh god, no!" Wolf shrieked. "I didn't sign up to be a bear! I didn't even audition!"

"I think that you'd have gotten the part anyway, Wolf," Alex smirked. "Didn't you go to drama school?"

Wolf flushed. "Shut up, Cub."

"Keep telling, Fox!" Eagle said eagerly.

 _Of course, at this point in time, the three bears didn't know that Cub had done of this. They didn't even know who Cub was._

"And why couldn't it be like that in real life?" Wolf said dramatically.

 _After Wolf finished his examination of the freshly "Cubbed" wall, he marched over to their gun cabinet._

 _Examining it inch by inch, Wolf discovered a few drops of blood on and around the bottom of the cabinet._

 _Wolf stuck a finger into a drop of blood, and brought both finger and blood up to his nose. Taking a long, deep sniff, Wolf beckoned Snake and Eagle, who had been cleaning up the remaining porridge, over._

" _Human blood," Wolf growled quietly as Snake and Eagle approached him now._

" _There's a_ human _in our_ house _?" Snake demanded, her mouth set in a firm line._

" _What's going on, Wolfy?" Strangely, Eagle called his father "Wolfy". "What's a 'human'?"_

"What? Why is Wolf my father?" Eagle shrieked. "He's not that much older than me!"

"Just shut up and listen to the story already!" Snake whined.

 _Wolf ignored Eagle, and gave Snake a meaningful look. "Yes, and I think that_ It _is in our bedroom. Do you hear_ It _snoring?" Wolf nodded his head in the direction of the door to the bedroom._

 _Snake cocked her head to one side, and a look of great concentration came over her face. "Yes, I believe I do!" she exclaimed after a few moments._

"'Her head'?" Snake asked dangerously.

"You just noticed that you were a girl, Snake?" Alex grinned.

"Why do I have to be a girl?" Snake complained.

"It has to follow the Goldilocks plot, Snake," Fox said patiently.

"Goldilocks has a _plot_?" Alex asked blankly.

"Only in the loosest sense of the word," Wolf actually agreed with Alex on something, it seemed. "Snake, you've always been a bit of a sissy, so it makes sense that you're the girl."

"You definitely shouldn't have said that," Fox grinned evilly.

"Why? What are you going to do?" Wolf asked nervously.

" _I'm_ not going to do anything. But Snake'll have to get payback in the story."

" _I'm hungry," Eagle announced. "Can we eat a 'human'?"_

" _Of course not!" Snake answered at the same time that Wolf said:_

" _Why not? It ate our breakfast."_

" _Wolf!" Snake was appalled at Wolf's logic. Eagle, however, didn't seem to like conversations on an empty stomach._

" _Well? Can we, or can't we?" he demanded impatiently._

" _No."_

" _Yes," Wolf glared at Snake. "Look, dear," he said in an undertone, "if we let this…this_ human _" - there was a wealth of distaste in his tone - "go, It'll go tell other_ humans _that we live here, and they'll come after us. I, personally, would much rather eat one human than be attacked by a dozen or more of them."_

 _Snake nodded slowly, reluctantly. "Fine, fine."_

"You're going to _eat_ me?" Alex yelled.

"I like this story!" Wolf laughed evilly, rubbing his hands together.

 _Wolf grinned evilly. Turning to Eagle, he said, "Yes!"_

" _Huh?" Eagle said blankly, tearing his gaze away from a butterfly that had flown through the still open front door._

 _Wolf sighed. "Yes, we can eat the human," he explained with exaggerated patience._

" _Sweet!" Eagle yelped._

" _You can say that again…" Wolf said under his breath, looking very innocent when Snake glared at him._

" _Well, what are we waiting for?" Eagle demanded._

 _Wolf shrugged. "Let's go!"_

" _Wait," Snake laid a restraining hand on Wolf's arm._

" _I thought we already had this conversation? We're going to eat it, and that's final!"_

 _Snake glared at him. "I was going to suggest that we grab the salt," she said scathingly._

" _Oh," Wolf quelled under her gaze. "Right, well. Grab it, then." he regained his composure._

"Wait a minute! Since when have I 'quelled under her gaze'?" Wolf demanded.

"Since you said that Snake was a sissy, and I told you that she'd - sorry, he - get payback," Fox grinned.

 _Snake rolled her eyes, and turned to grab the salt out of a cupboard. "_ Now _we can go eat the human."_

 _As the three bears advanced towards their bedroom, Eagle tugged on his father's elbow. "Wolfy? What do humans look like?" he asked quietly._

 _Wolf stopped walking to answer him. "They have - You see, they have two drumsticks-" at Snake's glare, Wolf quickly corrected himself. "I mean legs! They have two legs…And a-and a head! Yeah, they have a head. And they're short…About this tall," he used his paws to demonstrate a very vague height. "And-"_

 _But Eagle had already turned to his mother. "What do humans look like, Mummy?"_

" _Well, dear, they look a bit like us, but a little shorter, and they don't have a lovely fur coat like you do," Snake smiled down at her son._

" _Why didn't you just say what Mommy said?" Eagle looked innocently up at his father._

 _Wolf just snorted and muttered something along the lines of:_

" _-Sissy way of explaining things. Butter up the kid, he won't even hear what you said…" His little rant continued as he resumed his march towards the bedroom door._

 _Eagle giggled quietly at the expression on his mother's face, which was somewhere between wanting to punch Wolf or cracking up._

"Yeah, like you could punch me," Wolf said to Snake.

"Shut up," Snake said casually. "You're afraid of me, remember?"

Wolf flushed. "That's in the story!"

"Yeah, whatever."

 _When the three bears walked into their bedroom, they once again saw a disaster area: all of their bullet-proof vests were taken down, and Eagle's was missing. Snake's carefully wrinkle-free made beds were now covered in wrinkles. Wolf's and Snake's beds, that is. Eagle's bed was currently occupied._

" _It's sleeping in my_ bed _!" Eagle whisper-shrieked. He hopped up and down in place. "And it's wearing_ my _bullet-proof vest!"_

"You'd better not touch my stuff any more," Eagle warned Alex.

"I _haven't_ touched any of your stuff!" Alex protested.

"You just did," Eagle said blankly.

"Eagle. That was a _story_."

"Just don't touch my stuff, okay?" Eagle blustered.

 _Snake put a hand on her young son's shoulder. "It's all right. We're going to eat it now, remember? It won't be stealing your things any more."_

" _Surround the captive, soldiers!" Wolf whispered commandingly._

 _Snake and Eagle immediately fanned out, surrounding Cub where he lay, snoring, in Eagle's bed._

"Ha! So I _am_ in command!" Wolf said jubilantly.

Everyone else just ignored him, waiting to see what was going to happen next.

 _When all three bears were in position, Wolf opened his mouth and let loose a loud growl. Wolf, Snake and Eagle had all expected the human to wake immediately, so they were all greatly surprised when it snored peacefully on._

" _Maybe it's acting?" Snake suggested. "Like an opossum plays 'dead'. Except it's playing 'asleep'."_

" _And what good would that do it?" Wolf muttered. Snake acted like she hadn't heard him, choosing instead to walk up to the bed, and bend over the human._

" _It's not faking," she announced, standing up straight. "It didn't even twitch when I leaned over it."_

" _Ooh, that's a surprise," Wolf muttered sarcastically._

 _Snake fixed an ice-cold stare on him. "What was that,_ dear _?"_

" _Nothing, sweetheart!" Wolf would never admit it to anyone, but he thought that Snake could be quite intimidating at times._

"Fox, you know that's not fair! Snake is _not_ intimidating! And I would _never_ call him - her - _sweetheart!_ " he added.

"Just shut up!" Fox finally yelled.

" _That's what I thought," Snake smirked smugly. Wolf didn't have to admit it to her - she already knew._

" _Try roaring again, Wolfy!" Eagle had been bemoaning his empty stomach in not-so-subtle hints in the background the whole time that his parents had been discussing the human. Now Eagle was ready for some action._

 _Wolf complied. This time, he took an extra-large breath, and roared louder than he ever had in his life._

 _It was unchanged, still snoring away._

"Why do you keep calling me 'it'?" Alex asked.

"Because I want to," Fox shrugged.

 _This time, both Snake and Wolf moved forward to inspect the human._

" _What are these things?" Wolf asked his wife, pointing at two small black objects, one in each of the human's ears, with a black cord connecting them._

" _Look, that cord goes all the way down there," Snake pointed at the human's stomach, where it's hands were folded over the end of the black cord, and a rectangular silver object._

 _Wolf and Snake exchanged bemused glances. And then Eagle came to the rescue. Bounding forward to join his parents, he, too, spied the strange black and silver objects. But Eagle knew what they were._

" _Sweet!" he shrieked. "It's got an iPod! Can I have it after we eat It?_ Please _?"_

"I've always wanted an iPod!" Eagle said dreamily.

"You don't have one?" Alex asked. "Who doesn't have an iPod?"

"You have one?" Eagle asked excitedly. "Can I have it?"

"Oh, sure," Alex said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

" _It's got a what?" Snake asked._

" _An iPod!" Eagle rolled his eyes at the ignorance that comes with old age. "They play music, and they're totally awesome!"_

" _I don't hear any music," Wolf said, cocking his head._

" _Duh, Wolfy!" Eagle was astonished at his parents' lack of technology-awareness. "That's because it's playing through the headphones! You know, those black things in It's ears? Those are headphones. So It can hear the music, but we can't. Cool, huh?"_

" _So that's why It can't hear us," Snake mused._

"Oh, bravo, me," Snake rolled his eyes.

" _I wonder what It's listening to…After all, whatever music is on that iPod will be mine soon! Mwahahahaha!" Eagle rubbed his hands together in glee._

"I've always wanted to do the evil laugh…" Eagle mused.

" _Be quiet, Eagle!" Snake said. "We're trying to think."_

" _We are?" Eagle asked blankly._

" _No,_ we _are," Snake said, indicating herself and Wolf._

" _Right. Sorry!" Eagle whispered before going back to mumbling how cool it would be to have an iPod of his very own._

" _I guess the only thing to do is shake It," Snake's voice broke the near-silence._

" _I'll do it," Wolf volunteered bravely. "And as soon as he wakes up, we pounce him, all right?"_

 _At Snake and Eagle's nods, Wolf prepared himself for battle. He did a few little stretches, focusing mainly on the muscles around his mouth, so that he wouldn't pull a muscle when he ate the human._

 _Finally, he gave a nod to his family, squared his shoulders, and walked closer to the bed. Steeling himself, he clapped a paw down onto It's shoulder, and shook It rather violently._

 _It mumbled a protest. Something along the lines of:_

" _I don' wanna go to school…" and "Ew! I don't like bear meat! Bears are friends, not food!"_

"Why are you quoting 'Finding Nemo'?" Wolf asked, raising an eyebrow.

"How do you know what it's from?" Fox laughed.

Wolf hesitated, trying to come up with a good alibi. "I - uh, my girlfriend likes that movie!"

"Right," Alex said sarcastically. "It's alright, we all know about your little Disney addiction."

"Cub, I swear-"

"Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?" Snake said. "Just listen to the fucking story! Continue, Fox," he commanded, leaning back against the wall next to his bed.

 _Wolf drew back in surprise at the last one, and glanced over at Snake. "Maybe It's just pretending to be asleep?"_

 _Snake looked both shocked and touched at the same time. "I don't know…Are we still going to eat It?" Her eyes softened slightly when she looked down at the sleeping human boy._

" _Maybe we can keep him as a pet?" she suggested._

"Him _?" Wolf repeated. "Aw, Snake, you're already getting attached, aren't you? And I'm still hungry," he added quietly._

" _Yes,_ him _," Snake reiterated. "And, yes, I_ am _'getting attached'!"_

" _If we keep…him…as a pet, do I still get the iPod?" Eagle asked slowly._

" _I don't see why not," Snake reassured him._

" _Oh, okay!" Eagle said happily. "Can we keep him, Mummy? Wolfy? I promise I'll feed him, and water him every day! And he can have my baths," he added as an afterthought._

" _Of course," Snake smiled._

" _But I'm still hungry!" Wolf protested loudly._

 _Both Snake and Eagle turned very intense glares on him, and he wilted considerably._

"My human _!" Eagle hissed menacingly._

"Eagle? Menacing?" Wolf laughed.

" _Is there anything to eat in the pantry?" he asked, intimidated._

" _I believe there's a loaf of fresh bread," Snake said, happy that he was no longer hell-bent on eating the human._

" _Good!" Wolf said, considerably more cheerful at the prospect of food. "I think I'll just-"_

" _Go make it into toast for the human?" Snake smoothly cut him off._

" _But -"_

" _Don't forget the jam!" Snake interrupted again, smiling sweetly._

 _Wolf stomped huffily off. "Work, work, work. That's all I'm good for around here!" he muttered. (2)_

 _Snake rolled her eyes at Wolf's little "Drama Queen" moment before she turned her attention towards waking the small human._

"You know, Fox," Eagle said conversationally. "You're making Snake into a total Mary-Sue."

"A total Mary- _what?_ " Fox asked.

"A Mary-Sue. It's a term generally used in fan fiction to refer to a female character that's too perfect and lacking flaws," Wolf said absently.

"Wait, you read _fan fiction,_ Wolf?" Alex laughed, thinking that this must be the weirdest dream in the history of weird dreams. "Of what? _Twilight_?"

Wolf blushed faintly. "N-no!" he stuttered.

"You do!" Alex laughed hysterically.

"Aw, you think I'm perfect, Wolf?" Snake said, batting his eyes.

"Do you guys want to hear the rest of the story or not?" Fox demanded.

 _First Snake decided to try taking his "iPod" away. He didn't wake up when his music stopped playing, so Snake had to move on to more drastic measures: she gripped both of his arms, and hoisted him up into a sitting position. He mumbled something, and Snake, satisfied that he was awake, let go of his arms._

 _The human immediately fell back onto Eagle's pillow._

 _Snake just stared at him for a moment, wondering if maybe he really was acting. She shook that thought away, though, and she moved on to the next phase of her plan._

 _She marched over to Wolf's desk in the corner of the room, and grabbed his special hand-carved, collector's edition alarm clock. Back at Eagle's bed, she quickly wound the clock, and set it off right in the human's ears. Snake thought that the alarm sounded a bit like a bull moose on a rampage._

 _Yet the human still didn't wake up. Snake tried everything that she could think of, from playing around on Eagle's drum set to dancing to dancing a jig right there next to the bed. Eagle wasn't being any help. He'd taken the "iPod" and was sifting through the human's music. And Wolf, of course, was still in the kitchen pigging out._

 _Snake was desperately trying to wake the pygmy human up. What if he was in a coma or something?_

 _Snake had now moved into desperate measures: singing. She didn't like showing off, which was why she hadn't tried this before, but she figured that anyone would wake up at her melodious tones. The human stayed asleep, however, and the only reaction Snake's singing got was Eagle ripping off his headphones and shrieking:_

" _Where's Wolfy? Did he go after that mountain lion without me? He must have! I heard it shrieking!" he took off towards the door._

" _Eagle, what are you talking about? Your father's still in the kitchen!"_

" _Then what was that awful screeching sound?" Eagle asked slowly._

" _What? The only sound was me singing!" Snake was confused._

 _Realization slowly spread over Eagle's face. "Oh, so that was that lovely sound I heard!"_

 _Snake beamed and nodded, missing the sarcastic undercurrents in Eagle's voice._

 _Eagle rolled his eyes and put his headphones back on._

Fox had to stop telling the story momentarily due to major fits of laughter, his own and Eagle's and Wolf's.

"So - so true!" Eagle gasped out, holding his side.

"I don't sing that bad," Snake muttered sullenly. This statement only caused the others to laugh more.

Eventually, Wolf sat up and said:

"Snake, we don't really need guns. All we really need as an offensive weapon is your singing." Unfortunately for Snake, this caused his teammates to crack up again. Eagle was actually crying from laughing too hard.

Alex was watching this scene with a strange mixture of humor, exasperation, and terror. "You're the people defending our country?" he asked softly. "That scares me."

Fox heard him, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, we could say the same thing about you, Cub," he grinned.

"I'm bored," Eagle said suddenly. "Continue, oh great storyteller!" he bowed at Fox, who laughed, and obediently recommenced story time.

 _Snake went back to waking the human. She did some rather random things. At one point, she dashed into the kitchen, caught a guilty-looking Wolf emptying the cupboard, told him off briefly, and grabbed a bowl and a spoon. Back in the bedroom, Snake beat the spoon around the inside of the bowl, thinking that maybe the human had been trained that that meant "food". Even this didn't wake him, though, and he snored on._

 _Finally, Snake sank down onto her own bed, turning ideas around and around in her head. Suddenly, she stood up._

" _I know!" she shouted. "I'll get some cold water, dump it on him!" she snapped her fingers in joy._

 _The human woke up, blinking slowly. He gave a great, jaw-cracking yawn._

 _Looking around, he spotted Eagle bobbing his head, plugged into the iPod._

" _My iPod!" Cub shrieked. "There's a_ bear _listening to my iPod!"_

 _Snake sighed in relief. "You're awake! Finally. I tried_ everything _to wake you!"_

" _Why?" Cub asked curiously. "All you have to do is snap your fingers and I'm up." Then Cub looked at Snake more closely. "You - you - you're a b-bear, too!" he gasped._

" _I'm Snake," she nodded._

" _No, you're a bear, not a snake," Cub explained patiently._

" _Yes, I'm a bear. My_ name _is Snake."_

" _Oh…Who's that?" Cub pointed at Eagle._

" _That's Eagle. My son," Snake beamed proudly._

" _He's kinda funny looking," Cub giggled._

 _Snake immediately grew offended. "_ I _don't think he's funny-looking!"_

"Actually, he kind of is…" Snake muttered, still miffed about the singing hysteria.

" _He's got a big nose!" Cub snickered._

" _I beg your pardon!" Snake was all fluffed-up._

 _Eagle looked up now and saw Cub sitting up._

" _Mum! Human's awake!" he shrieked, turning off the iPod._

" _I noticed," Snake said dryly, still glaring at Cub._

" _You've got a big nose!" Cub informed Eagle._

" _Oh, yeah?" Eagle glared. "Well, guess what? If you don't make a good pet, you'll always make a crackin' good chimney sweep!" (3)_

" _Pet?" Cub was astonished. "I'm not allowed to have a pet! Why are_ you _allowed to have a pet?"_

" _Because Mommy wouldn't let me and Wolfy eat you! She wanted to keep you as a pet," Eagle nodded smugly._

 _At this, Wolf walked into the bedroom. "Eat?" he asked hopefully._

 _Cub shrieked. "I'm not a snack! If anything,_ I _should be eating_ you _! My daddy drags bears home sometimes. They always taste so good…" he sighed wistfully, missing the shocked look from Snake, and the glares from Eagle and Wolf._

" _Then why did you say 'Bears are friends, not food' when you were asleep?" Snake asked quietly._

" _Huh? I said that? Did you get it?"_

" _Get what?" Wolf growled._

" _The joke! That's the punch line - 'Bears are friends, not food'! Funny joke, too. Do you want to hear it?"_

" _No!" all three bears shouted at once._

" _You don't have to shout!" Cub pouted._

" _I still say we should eat him," Wolf grumbled. "He's too loud to keep him as a pet."_

" _I beg your pardon!" Cub gasped. "What a horrible thing to say, Mr. Bear!"_

" _That's Mr._ Wolf _to you, buckwheat!" Wolf growled._

" _But you're_ not _a wolf," Cub pointed out with devastating logic._

 _Wolf mumbled something under his breath, causing Eagle's eyes to get really big, and making him gasp:_

" _Wolfy! I didn't know you knew that many_ words _!"_

 _Snake glared at Wolf, and put her paws over Eagle's ears. Wolf seemed to blush under her gaze - though how he managed to blush through all that fur, Cub wasn't sure. And he definitely wasn't going to ask._

 _When Snake and Wolf started arguing, Cub finally realized that he was stuck in a room with three bears - at least one of whom had expressed an interest in eating him - who happened to be blocking the door. Cub gulped._ How on earth am I going to get away _? He thought. Looking around, he spotted a little window on the other side of the room. He figured that if he jumped up a little, he'd probably be able to escape through it._

 _Making up his mind, he began inching towards the little window._

 _The three bears were still arguing. Well, two of them were arguing. Eagle was still gaping at Wolf, wondering where he had acquired such an_ interesting _vocabulary._

 _Some time later, just when Cub was getting to the window, Snake won the argument, which had begun to resemble a stand-down in a bad shoot-'em-up western film._

 _Snake, looking very smug, looked around for the wee human, who happened to be frantically trying to climb out of the window. She gasped and shrieked, "Wolf, he's escaping!"_

" _So he is!" Wolf knew that the very best way to punish a naughty "pet" was to eat it, so he was secretly overjoyed that the human was trying to escape._

 _Wolf rushed back out of the bedroom door to where the guns were kept._

 _Cub, meanwhile, had managed to get his belt caught on the window. He was beginning to feel a bit like the beetle that was pinned onto the velvet cushion of his mother's bug collection._

 _Wolf dashed back into the room, brandishing his M16, a manic gleam in his eyes._

" _Where is he? Let me at 'im!" he growled._

" _He's getting out through the window, Wolfy!" Eagle shrieked helpfully._

 _Wolf, the opportunist that he was, was privately thrilled that he had been given a license to devour. Well, just a license to prevent escape for now, but the human was certainly giving Wolf a good case against him._

 _Grinning, Wolf took careful aim, and…managed to shoot Cub's belt and free the little scoundrel._

 _Cub leaped out the window with a triumphant shout, which quickly turned into a terrified squeak when he realized that he was somehow a good ten feet off the ground - more than two times Cub's own height!_

 _Snake turned fiercely on Wolf. "You fu-" she began, but with a quick glance to Eagle, she quickly changed what she had been about to say. "Moron! You absolute moron!"_

 _Wolf shrank back under her glare. "I'll just - go around the front and catch him like that," he gestured vaguely in the direction of the front door._

" _You do that," Snake hissed venomously, and Wolf scampered off after the human._

 _Meanwhile, Eagle was trying to climb out of the window. He was sadly lacking in technique, however, and seemed to be attempting to do a snout-dive. He almost did, too, but Snake grabbed him before he could slither out completely._

" _Aw, Mum!" Eagle whined. "What'd you do that for?" Snake just glared at him, obviously not deigning it worthy of a reply._

" _It was just going into the woods," Eagle said. "I coulda caught It!"_

 _Snake raised an eyebrow. "You're calling him 'It' again, then?" she asked._

 _Eagle shrugged. "Well, It didn't seem to want to be a pet, so we might as well eat It."_

"' _Might as well eat it'?" Snake repeated slowly. "You're getting more and more like your father every day. Always 'thinking' with your stomachs!" she used air quotes when she said 'thinking'._

" _I was looking forward to that porridge, but then It ate mine. So if I eat It, then technically, I'd finally get to eat my porridge. Y'know, 'cause it's in him…It!" he corrected himself quickly._

 _Snake looked faintly disgusted. "I was wrong. You're_ too _much like your father already!"_

 _Eagle wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult. So he ignored it._

 _Outside, Wolf was quickly gaining on the human. He admittedly had a great advantage: his legs were much longer than the human's drumsticks were._

 _Wolf happily took advantage of that advantage._

 _So, all in all, Wolf thought that the chase was going rather well, and he expected to apprehend the human at any moment. Unfortunately for Wolf, said human had decided to go all "mini Robin Hood" and lead him a merry chase through the branches of trees. Wolf was finding it more difficult to follow the human's trail now, but he could still smell where It had gone._

 _Of course, not even Wolf was stupid enough to try to follow him through the trees. Instead, he kept on trundling along the ground._

 _To Cub's great surprise, he discovered that running for his life was actually rather fun. Or, more accurately,_ swinging _for his life, as he was doing his best monkey impression, swinging through the treetops - well, actually, swinging on the lowest branches. But, still, he was thoroughly enjoying himself._

" _I should do this more often," he reflected thoughtfully, just before his grip on the branch slipped, and he fell into a painful heap on the ground._

 _Cub let out a shriek so shrill that he couldn't even hear it. Wolf, however, could, and the sound made him shiver. Surely that wasn't a natural sound? His first thought was that maybe the bogeyman really existed. But then he realized that something must have happened to the human, and that that must be where the horrible keening sound was coming from._

 _Wolf broke into a run, following the keening. He decided that It must have some serious lungs, as the sound hadn't even let up in the past five minutes._

 _The sound was getting closer with every step, and Wolf suddenly saw It curled up on the ground beneath a branch._

 _Chuckling evilly, Wolf put on the brakes. But he soon discovered that he had far too much momentum built up to stop immediately. He ended up running into a tree because he had been so focused on slowing down that he hadn't even noticed the tree in front of him._

 _Wolf found himself in the middle of a Wolf-shaped dent in the tree, with his own voice joining in with the keening, a few octaves above the human's voice, even._

"I do _not_ shriek!" Wolf objected violently.

"And we care why?" Snake muttered, still mad from the singing discussion from before.

 _Wolf ordered himself to stop adding to that dreadful sound, but found that he couldn't stop. Worse than that, he couldn't_ breathe _, because he couldn't stop screeching. He figured that he would have to keep shrieking until his lungs overrode his mind's command._

 _His lungs finally gave out, and he was able to stop shrieking. Amazingly, the human was_ still _at it, making Wolf wince at the sheer volume of the shriek._

 _Wolf pulled himself out of the tree, wincing as he did so. Covering his ears, he leaned down to inspect the human more closely. He noticed that It's lungs seemed to be flagging, as the pitch of the shriek was slowly dropping._

 _Finally, the human fainted from lack of air, and Wolf breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, now Wolf had to carry the human all the way back to the house. Sighing, he picked up the human, and started marching._

 _What seemed like hours later to Wolf - it was only about half an hour - he staggered into view of his house._

 _Snake was sitting outside, waiting for him. He didn't see Eagle, though…until he ran up and started poking at the human, that is._

 _The human was still out even after the long, jolting journey. Snake had gotten up, and was running towards them. Stopping in front of Wolf, she ordered him to go put the human back in Eagle's bed._

"My _bed?" Eagle shrieked. "Why does it have to be_ my _bed? Why can't it be your bed, Wolfy? Or yours, M -" he swallowed at Snake's glare._

" _Because I said so," Snake snapped. "Now carry him in, Wolf!"_

 _Grumbling furiously, Wolf carried the human into the house and to Eagle's bed. Wolf placed the human on the bed surprisingly gently, so as to not bruise his meal._

 _Snake and Eagle had followed, secretly enjoying the sight of Wolf huffing and puffing along._

 _Snake marched over to the bed and snapped her fingers sharply. The human jolted awake, and at once his face took on an expression of one who was resigned to déjà vu._

 _The first thing that Cub really noticed was Snake standing above him, in the process of folding her arms, a dangerous look on her face. Cub gulped, trying not to imagine how pissed off they would all be at him._

 _But when Snake spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle…for an angry bear, anyway. "And what did you do that for?"_

" _Um…do what?" Cub squeaked nervously, surveying Eagle and Wolf who were too busy drooling and licking their lips to say anything._

 _Snake's foot started tapping, and Cub wondered vaguely whether she was like a skunk, and that was a warning sign. Cub heard Snake growl, and he realized belatedly that he had wondered that out loud._

 _Cub gulped as Snake leaned in, putting one paw on either side of him, leaning in until her snout was almost touching his nose, and her hot breath washed over his face._

" _Why did you make us chase you?" she asked, enunciating each word sharply._

 _Panicking slightly, Cub did what he usually did in these sort of situations: bluster. It was a foolproof plan of action, it's success rate one out of ten._

"Technically _I didn't force anyone to chase me," Cub pointed out reasonably._

" _You ran away," Snake growled. "And you're our pet, which means that we were required to chase you."_

 _Wolf started slightly at the mention of the word "pet". "We're still going to keep it as a pet?" he asked, astonished._

 _Snake swung around to glare at him. "Yes, we are. Do you have a problem with that?" she asked acidly, causing Wolf to flinch, and shake his head vigorously._

" _Good," Snake said, her tone hinting that it was anything but. Turning back to Cub, she put on her "enforcing face", which was usually just employed on Wolf. Desperate times call for desperate measures, she figured._

" _I'm trying to think of a suitable punishment for you," she said almost pleasantly to Cub. Cub, however, considered himself to possess a rather brilliant mind, and he wasn't fooled by her pleasantry._

 _He began panicking in earnest now, making sure that it didn't show on his face. Instead, he rearranged his features to offer an innocent expression._

 _Snake reached out a paw, and poked Cub in the chest. Cub could no longer hold his panic in check, and he moved his head without thinking, sinking his teeth into Snake's paw._

 _Snake shrieked, and joined the anti-human-pet side._

 _Snake turned and hissed at her son. "Why don't you go get the A-1 sauce? Somehow I don't think that just salt will improve this one's taste much."_

 _Eagle yelped happily, scurrying off to the kitchen, returning in record time with the steak sauce. Wolf, too, was grinning (and drooling) like mad._

 _Now all the bears were closing in on Cub, who was scrambling madly to get off the bed and perhaps out of the window again._

 _No such luck, however, as the bears were suddenly on him._

 _Cub's last thought was: "A-1's just glorified barbeque sauce. Aren't I worth at least a bottle of ketchup?"_

"There," Fox sighed in relief. "The end."

"Great," Eagle muttered. "Now I'm hungry."

"I know you guys don't like me much, but isn't cannibalism a little extreme?" Alex asked, actually semi-seriously.

They all laughed, including Wolf. "You never know," Eagle muttered.

"We'll even use ketchup if you want!" Snake grinned.

"No, thanks," Alex muttered, vaguely wondering if the Guinness Book of World Records would accept just his word that he'd had the strangest dream ever, and publish it without any real proof.

" _Now_ can we go to sleep?" Fox whined.

All agreed, except for Eagle, who whined until Wolf informed him that if he didn't go to sleep, they'd make him run a couple hundred kilometers. Eagle grudgingly went to sleep.

Alex, of course, couldn't go to sleep, because he was already asleep and dreaming, right?

* * *

The next morning, they were on yet another run, but this time, they were all running together.

Alex was at the rear of the pack, and Fox fell back to talk to him.

"Cub? Look, I'm sorry that you had to witness that - er, grim spectacle last night? Yeah. Eagle gets like that sometimes."

Alex stared at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Are you joking?" Fox demanded. "How could you _not_ remember our rousing rendition of 'Goldilocks'?"

Alex stopped running to devote more of his attention to staring at Fox, and trying to widen his eyes even more. "You mean -" he swallowed. "You mean that was _real?_ "

"Um, yeah…" Fox said slowly, stopping as well. "Didn't you already know that?"

"I thought it was dream," Alex said quietly. "Granted, an insane and totally demented dream, but…I just thought it was a dream!"

"Oi!" they both looked up to see the rest of K-Unit jogging back towards them, Wolf at the front. "What's the hold-up?" Wolf asked roughly.

Fox was still staring at Alex, who was looking more than a little traumatized.

"Um…Turns out that Cub thought our little…story time last night was just a dream." he said, trying to hold back the laughter.

"Sorry, Cub," Snake grinned. "No such luck."

Wolf was shaking his head and actually laughing.

Eagle was laughing like mad. "Wasn't that fun?" he jumped up and down, looking somewhat ridiculous for a twenty-something man in the SAS.

"Ask me after I've spent a lot of time with a therapist," Alex gasped out, still very much in shock.

Fox laughed and shook his head. "Come on, we have to finish this run before we end up with too much punishment."

As they were jogging along, Eagle suddenly asked:

"So, Fox, what story are you telling tonight?"

* * *


	2. Little Red Riding Hood

The second that Alex walked into the cabin, he knew that something was wrong. Something was very wrong. He stopped in the doorway, unwilling to step into a war zone.

“Keep walking,” Wolf growled from behind him, poking Alex in the back to make him walk forward.

Alex took quick, darting steps backwards and toward the right instead of forward. Only once he’d reached a safe place did he chance looking back towards Wolf. Wolf gave him a  strange look, shook his head, and then marched through the door.

Alex winced and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the death and destruction that he was sure was coming.

He waited, but he didn’t hear any shrieks or explosions.

Finally, after the longest thirty seconds of his life, he dared to look up again.

He didn’t see any fire or even any smoke, and the cabin was still standing. That had to be a good sign.

Alex looked behind him to see if Fox and Snake had been stupid enough to go inside or not. They hadn’t. Both of them were standing behind him, giving him and each other quizzical looks.

“You look like you're expecting a mushroom cloud, Cub,” Fox observed.

“I am,” Alex said, warily stepping up to the door and poking his head around the door frame.

“Why?” Snake asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex was looking around the room, but he didn’t see Wolf. Finally, he looked down at his feet.

With a sharp exclamation, Alex leaped backwards. Wolf was lying on the floor, practically under Alex’s feet, in a dead faint.

“What is it?” Fox asked curiously.

“I think it’s safe,” Alex smirked. “Come on in, but watch your feet.”

He carefully stepped over Wolf and into the cabin.

The other two men exchanged glances, and then walked to the door with no small amount of trepidation.

They stopped dead at the door, both looking down at their unit’s leader with twin expressions of awe and mirth on their faces.

“How did you do this, Cub?” Fox asked, grinning.

Alex shrugged. “I didn’t. Eagle did.”

“Eagle? How could Eagle do this?” Snake asked. “He’s still back in the mess hall, stuffing his face.”

“If you’d step over Wolf and come in, you’ll see,” Alex laughed.

“Will anything happen to us?” Snake asked practically.

“Oh, I don’t think it will hit you quite as hard as it did Wolf,” Alex answered a little too mysteriously for the others’ taste.

The two men carefully stepped over Wolf into the cabin.

“Oh god,” Fox moaned.

“That’s… beyond disturbing,” Snake proclaimed, looking around the room in disgust.

“I know,” Alex laughed. He heard a low moan coming from the doorway. “Least it didn’t make you two faint,” he said loudly.

“I didn’t faint!” Wolf said, leaping up rather violently.

Alex just laughed.

“You’re enjoying this too much,” Fox said. “What’s in it for you?”

“Wolf fainting just made my day,” Alex smirked.

Wolf growled and lunged at Alex, but the spy neatly sidestepped the soldier’s advances.

“Now Wolf, if you don’t play nice, you’ll have to sit in the corner!”

“Why did Eagle do this?” Fox interrupted just as Wolf growled again.

“The question is,” Snake said, “what is this?”

“Yeah, what is it?” Wolf asked.

“You fainted without even knowing what this is?” Alex asked, staring at the older man in disbelief.

“I didn’t faint,” Wolf growled.

“Yeah you did,” Snake rolled his eyes. “Now shut up. Cub’s going to tell us what this is.”

“Your families never took you to the library when you were little, did they?” Alex asked. Wolf and Snake both replied with no’s.

“Oh god,” Fox said, horror written all over his face. “Story hour!”

“Exactly,” Alex nodded. “Though where he got the pink pillows, I’ll never know,” he continued. He peered around at the room again, carefully taking note of the piles of cushions arranged in a circle with bowls that held trail rations, snacks, Alex supposed, and torches.

“Let me get this straight,” Snake said. “He brought all this stuff in so that we can have a reenactment of last night?”

Wolf looked like he was going to faint again. “What’re we going to do?” he whispered, fear written on his face.

“Run for the hills?” Alex suggested.

“Run for the hills,” the other three agreed, nodding. They all turned and made a dash for the open door. Just when they got there, however, Eagle sauntered in, licking his fingers.

“Hey, guys!” he greeted exuberantly. “D’you like it?”

All four of the other soldiers and spies screamed.

“It’s Bloody Mary!” Wolf shrieked.

“I think you need a mirror for there to be a Bloody Mary,” Snake mused while Eagle replied with, “My name’s Eagle! Not Mary!”

“Close enough,” Wolf said, shrugging.

“Guess what?” Eagle shrieked suddenly, forgetting the whole name thing. “We don’t have anymore exercises tonight! We can have a story right now! Read, Fox?”

“No way,” Fox said, shaking his head. “I am not telling the story again!”

“Cub?” Eagle asked hopefully, giving him puppy eyes.

“Sorry,” Alex did his best to look remorseful. “Everybody knows that spies can’t tell stories. It’s against our religion.”

“Oh,” Eagle said. “Okay. Wolf?”

Alex couldn’t believe that his excuse had actually worked, but he breathed a sigh of relief anyway. Wolf, on the other hand, wasn’t having much luck. He was blustering his way through some excuse.

“Well, you see, I have a sore throat, and talking that much will aggravate it,” Wolf tried, but Eagle stood there tapping his foot, not buying it. “My voice might give out part way through, and then you’d never hear the end of the story! You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?” Wolf finished triumphantly as Eagle’s face fell.

“No, I guess not…” Eagle turned and dragged his feet mournfully over to Snake, who was looking positively terrified.

“Snake…?” It was said with the perfect mixture of sadness, hopefulness, and threat. Snake caved immediately.

“Fine,” he sighed, then immediately looked regretful.

“Oh, goody!” Eagle said, perking up immediately. He skipped over and plopped down on the biggest, pinkest cushion in the cabin. Then he looked up at the rest of them. “Well, what are you waiting for?!” he shrilled. “Sit down!”

Alex was of the opinion that Eagle’s mental state was very unstable. Who knows what the man might do? Alex opted to move slowly over to a cushion, and sit down, keeping his eyes on Eagle the whole time. The squishing sounds around him told him that the others were following his lead.

Eagle beamed around the circle, his face falling slightly when he saw that the others had very carefully arranged themselves so that no one was sitting closer than two pillows to Eagle. Then he smiled again when his eyes fell on Snake.

Alex was sure that he heard poor Snake gulp.

“We’re ready!” Eagle trilled, still staring at Snake.

“How do I start?” Snake whispered to Fox.

“Just start with ‘once upon a time’,” Fox replied, looking less than thrilled that he was being consulted. “Tell your own damn story.”

“Well, fine!” Snake sniffed. “I will! Without any help from local celebrities!” He then plunged headfirst into his tale…

“Once upon a time, there was - Wait a second! What story am I supposed to be telling?” he looked around at the others for suggestions.

“Cinderella?” Alex suggested, shrugging. It was the only name that he could remember at the moment.

“No,” Wolf shook his head. “Little Red Riding Hood.”

No one voiced a complaint, so Snake shrugged and re-started his tale.

 _Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Little Red Riding Hood, but everybody just called him Cub._

 _Cub and his family lived in a little cabin in the middle of the “Hundred Acre Woods”.  
_  
“The ‘Hundred Acre Woods’ is ‘Winnie the Pooh Bear’, Snake,” Fox interrupted patiently.

“Same difference,” Snake rolled his eyes. “Are you going to let me tell the story or not?”

 _Now Cub was quite a mean wee lad and he was often rather cruel to his younger sister, whose name was “Little Blue Riding Hood”._

 _It was a rather strange custom of their family to name the children after a color and an article of clothing. Cub was just glad that his parents favored riding hoods - who ever decided to call a cape a “hood”? - over something even more embarrassing, like panties or, even worse, brassieres. And, come to think of it, it was also a good thing that his parents preferred red over hot pink, or something equally embarrassing. If they hadn’t, he would probably have been named “Hot Pink Lingerie”. Cub would probably have preferred never being born over having a name like that. Thankfully, though, he was just named after an old lady’s cape._ “You’re seriously having too much fun with that name,” Alex commented, his face clearly showing his disgust at the mental image that said name brought up. Snake just grinned and continued with his story.

“Besides, pink is awesome!” Eagle said happily.

Snake gave Eagle a strange look and said, “Moving on…” __

 _So anyway, it was a cold, rainy morning, and Cub was pissed off that his father hadn’t taken him hunting that morning like he had promised that he would. Apparently, Cub’s favored gun, an automatic something or other that Cub could never remember the name of, left nothing of the squirrels or rabbits to eat. And, again apparently, the family needed meat to survive. Cub wasn’t sure why, though. Wasn’t chocolate cake enough for everyone to live on?_

 _Regardless of the reasons behind it, Cub’s father hadn’t taken him hunting, so he had nothing to do but bully his poor, defenseless little sister. Now, Little Blue Jeans (she hadn’t a nickname aside from just shortening her full name to “Little Blue”) was an adorable little girl of about six, a full four years younger than Cub. Little Blue had bright blue eyes, which was actually the reason that she had been named “Blue”. Though, of course, that almost went without saying. What other color would you name a kid after if they popped out with huge, blue eyes staring up at you?_

 _The thing that Cub liked best about his little sister (or, really, the only thing that Cub liked about her) was that after six full years of exposure to Cub, she had a very high tolerance to pain. Sometimes it would take hours of Cub pinching and discreetly kicking her before she would squeal. Of course, then one of their parents would tell Cub to stop, effectively ruining his fun. Not that he would stop for long, but it was the principle of the thing._

 _As previously stated, it was a dreary day, and Cub had nothing better to do than torment his sister. So by now, he had been happily doing so for at least two and a half hours. Cub was actually somewhat impressed by Little Blue’s stubborn and stoic silence. However impressed he might be, though, he too was stubborn. He had started out to annoy her, and by golly, he would make her squeal, even if it took the whole damn day!_

 _Finally, finally, the blessed shriek of one who has had it up to here with an impossible older brother rang out. Cub grinned triumphantly even as his mother’s feather duster stung across the back of his head._

 _“Little Red Riding Hood!” she shrieked even as said lad cringed at the use of his horrible full name.  
At least it isn’t “Little Hot Pink Lingerie”, he consoled himself as best he could while his dear sweet mummy went into quite the terrifyingly long and angry rant._

 _“I have had it up to here!” she continued shrieking, illustrating her point by waving around her feather duster. Her face was beginning to resemble a cooked lobster. Cub began worrying about her blood pressure, and what his father would do to him if she had a heart attack while she was yelling at him. It wasn’t like it would have been Cub’s fault, but his father was consistently unfair like that._

 _He tuned back into what his mum was saying just as she uttered the most dreadful words in his private dictionary. The private dictionary which was tucked into the deep recesses of his brain so that his mother wouldn’t see it and wash his mind out with soap.  
_ _  
“Go to your grandmother’s house!” was the dreaded order, given in a high-pitched squeal much like that of the kettle._

 _Cub gaped at his mother. She couldn’t be serious! Cub’s grandmother was always hugging him. Or trying to, at any rate. And she was always saying how proud she was of him. Now the pride thing wouldn’t have been so bad, except for how she was always proud of his accomplishments in school, or some other thing that Cub had no interest in. It was never any of his finer moments, like the time that he had let all of the chickens out of their house when he knew that some foxes had been hanging around, making eyes at the chickens._

 _For some reason, Cub was proud of himself for letting the poor creatures - the foxes, that is - have an almost free meal. Obviously, he didn’t give the chickens to them on their best china plates (that didn’t actually exist), but it was still a hell of a lot easier for the foxes to get the chickens as they ran in panicked circles through the woods, as opposed to panicked circles in the impregnable shed._

 _Come to think of it, though, Cub’s pride was actually probably due to the fact that he had managed to frame Little Blue as the culprit in the Great Chicken Escape._

 _Cub was in such shock at his dreadful punishment (his father’s belt was so much less painful!) that he didn’t hardly resist even as his mother shoved a basket that was nearly the same size as Cub  himself, just a little bit bigger, and completely stuffed with food._

 _His dulled senses sent off alarms in his mind as his mother dragged him to the door and quite literally shoved him out into the blinding sun._

  
“What?” Fox interrupted. “It wasn’t sunny when you started the story!”

“Of course it wasn’t. It’s night time!” Eagle answered for Snake, trying to be helpful. Alex had to remind himself that it was the thought that counted.

“In the story, Eagle!” Fox said impatiently, and then turned a questioning look towards Snake.

“It was not!” Snake defended himself.

“Yes, it was!”

“Was not!”

“Was too!”

“Was not!”

Alex felt his head turning back and forth between the two of them. He felt like he was back at Wimbledon watching the matches.

Eventually, Fox came up with a new game plan, saying “Was not!” when it was his turn, leaving Snake to automatically say, “Was too!”

When Fox started rolling around on the floor, Snake just looked puzzled.

“You agreed with me!” Fox gasped.

“What are you, a preschooler?” Snake asked in a tone of deepest disgust. “It was not raining earlier!”

This, of course, prompted the argument to begin anew.

Finally, Alex decided to play peacemaker. “Stop!” he said firmly, stepping between the two combatants, who looked as if the verbal argument was about to become physical. “Just shut up, okay?” Alex said calmly.

“He started it!” Fox laid false blame.

“I did not!”

“Shut up!” Alex roared, a little louder and deeper than usual. He looked around in surprise to see that Wolf had shouted with him.

“Regardless of what happened earlier, it’s not raining now! Just get over it already!”

Alex turned away to walk back to his pillow. Behind him, Snake him walk away, calculating carefully. When he was sure that neither Alex or Wolf would be able to see, he quickly stuck his tongue out at Fox.

Then, very satisfied with his stunningly childlike act, he smugly continued his story.

 _Cub tried to force his feet to obey him and just dig into the floor and refuse to move, but alas, they had turned against him, and walked him obediently out the door. Cub screamed at the two offending body parts, calling them traitors, turn coats, cowards, and anything else that he could think of. And yet the cowardly traitors propelled the very reluctant lad to his grandmother’s house._

 _“Be careful!” his mother yelled after him, sounding concerned about his safety. It was quite ironic, as his mother was sending him to his melodramatic fate. After a moment of thought, Cub chalked the concern up to her wanting the food to get to the grandmother’s house safely and intact. Sure enough, she added,_

 _“Don’t eat any of the food! Your grandmother is sick, and she needs all of it.”_

 _Cub flipped her off, carefully concealing the offending digit behind the mammoth bulk of the basket._

 _Now, some people may believe in the power of positive thinking. Cub wasn’t one of those people. No, he was a great believer in the power of negative ranting. So he decided to indulge himself a little, and he began to mutter outrageously at anything and everything beneath the trees. Hell, even everything under the sun, in one those mythical places where there are no trees, only meadows as far as the eye - or eyes, whatever the case may be - can see._

 _The way Cub figured it, ranting was very good for the body, and good for the soul. For one thing, it gave him something to vent his feelings on the matter of his imminent death by hugs and useless praise. For another, it helped him hone his self-proclaimed masterful prowess in the fine art of cursing._

 _He prided himself - or had delusions of grandeur, take your pick - that he could put a sailor to shame. Not that sailors were real or anything. Cub wasn’t a baby anymore, and he knew that the things in his non-fiction books were not real._

 _No, he knew that science was just a big joke, and it didn’t bother him a bit. He knew that magic was what kept things like the television and phones running, despite whatever his teachers at that dreadful place (school) may say._

 _And, of course, most of his favorite fiction series, “The Adventures of Cub, Boy Spy Extraordinaire”, written by -_

 __Snake appeared to be thinking of a name.

“Anthony Horowitz,” he decided on finally, speaking loudly enough to be heard over Alex’s near-hysterical laughter on the over-glamorized title of the series.

“Who’s Anthony Horowitz?” Fox asked, frowning. “The name sounds familiar.”

“It should,” Snake replied, casually adding, “He was that kid we bullied in school.”

“Snake, we didn’t go to school together,” Fox pointed out patiently, but with much rolling of the eyes.

“Then you just have awesome mind powers, and you read my mind, so it sounds familiar,” Snake replied flippantly, before he plunged back into telling his epic story.  
 _  
Anyway, the books were awesome, and Cub was happy that the main character was named after him. That way, it was easier to insert himself in the main character slot, instead of… the main character._

 _Sometimes Cub confused even himself. When those moments came along, he just glossed right over them in his memory, so he frequently surprised himself when a self-confusing moment came along, because he couldn’t remember any previous self-confusing moments._

 _Shaking his head vigorously, Cub tried to erase any thoughts of erasing thoughts, but he ended up confusing himself even further. Thankfully, though, the wind must have shifted, and he smelled some distracting smell, as delicious fumes wafted out of the basket, saving him from the dangerous circling of his mind._

 _Now he had a new problem, though. A very delicious-smelling one at that. And what was this problem? Why, trying to find out what exactly that aroma was wafting from, of course!_

 _Cub twisted around, meaning to put his nose in the basket of food strapped to his back. He was quite dismayed when the basket moved with him, remaining hidden behind his head. For a moment there, Cub was convinced that he was delusional, and that he must have dropped the basket at some point, but then he decided that it was still there, because that sucker was heavy, and it was pulling on his shoulders rather violently. And, of course, that smell had to be coming from somewhere, because even Cub didn’t have good enough of an imagination to imagine something that smelled that good._

 _So, after a long and arduous thought process, Cub deduced that the basket was indeed still strapped to his back, and that one more turn should do it._

 _He gave another little turn._

 _The basket appeared to be clinging to the back of his head. Cub thought out the situation in a rather violent way, his mental ears taking much abuse from his mental mouth. Finally, he decided that the only way to get to it would be to shake it free._

 _And so he began turning. At first, the turns were slow, but after a few moments, Cub’s frustration and the delicious smells wafting out of the offending basket were starting to get to him, and he started turning so fast that he was beginning to resemble a ballerina performing a pirouette._

 _Still, the basket clung to his back. Cub was beginning to wonder if his mother had accidentally put glue on it. Then he realized that if glue had indeed been applied, it would not have been accidental._

 _After several more scowling turns, he was forced to admit defeat. Perhaps there was some intentionally applied glue on there. No, that wouldn’t be strong enough. Duct Tape, perhaps?_

 _Either way, it was Cub was quickly realizing that this whole get-the-basket-off mission was futile. And he was beginning to get tired. The stupid basket was way too heavy in his opinion._

 _He collapsed onto the ground, gasping. Or, at least he tried to collapse onto the ground. He tried to collapse onto his back, but that obviously didn’t turn out to well, due to the abnormally large abomination on his back. He grunted in surprise when the basket dug into his back when he fell on it, and he quickly waved his legs around in the air, trying to get off of his back.  
_  
This is ridiculous! _he thought furiously to himself._ I look like a freakin’ turtle!

 _Cub finally managed to flip himself over onto his stomach, where he lay, gasping for air, with the basket still torturing him with its weight as it pushed him into the ground._

 _“Well isn’t that an interesting spectacle,” a deep voice drawled from the edge of the path. “Though I have to admit that the spinning thing was better than the turtle impersonation.”_

 _A shadow detached itself from the shade of the trees. What the shadow was, Cub didn’t know exactly. He had a slight suspicion, though. Perhaps it was the mythical Pink Panther!_

 _The shadow seemed to be waiting for Cub to say something. After a moment of Cub just staring at him, though, the shadow heaved a sigh. “Would you like to say something?” he asked pointedly._

 _“What if I can’t talk?” Cub asked. Even if he wasn’t sure what exactly the Shadow was, he certainly was not going to tarnish his reputation of King of the Smartasses!_

 _The Shadow actually seemed to consider this for a moment, before he burst out laughing. Well, more like burst out guffawing. “What if you can’t talk - ” the Shadow gasped out. “That’s a good one! I’ll have to remember it!” The Shadow lifted one of its four paws off of the ground to wipe its streaming eyes while its back end collapsed into a sitting position._

 _Cub grinned slightly, glad to see that someone could appreciate his particular brand of humor. Then the boy made the drastic mistake of trying to stand up. Instead of actually making it up into a vertical position, he switched from lying on his stomach to lying on his back - a most uncomfortable position when one was being held prisoner by a basket warden._

 _Even through Cub’s great discomfort, he was still curious as to what the Shadow actually was. “Are you the Pink Panther?” he burst out, suddenly, even as his arms and legs were doing their best to get him to stand up._

 _The Shadow was watching Cub’s flailing with great amusement. “Now that I think about it, I think the turtle impersonation actually is better than the twisting routine,” it commented thoughtfully. Then it seemed as though it had just processed what Cub had asked. “Wait - what?” it asked, raising an eyebrow._

 _“Are you the Pink Panther?” Cub repeated dutifully. By now he had worked up enough momentum from going side to side that the basket was rocking along with him._

 _The Shadow giggled. “Another good one!” it declared._

 _“No, I’m being serious!” Cub whined. Maybe this Shadow creature didn’t understand his humor as well as he’d thought if he couldn’t tell a smartass remark from a serious question._

 _The Shadow stopped giggling and stared at him. “Pink Panther?” it asked disdainfully. “Do I look pink to you?”_

 _Cub stopped moving for a moment, then quickly began moving again as soon as he realized that he had stopped. “Touché,” he gasped out._

 _“‘Touché’?” the Shadow repeated, momentarily distracted. “What does that mean?”_

 _Cub thought for a bit. “I have no idea,” he said finally. Great. Now he was going to be wondering what it meant all freakin’ day!_

 _“Huh,” the Shadow said thoughtfully. “Do I look pink to you?” he asked again, and Cub took a moment to remember that that had been what they were talking about._

 _“Touché,” he gasped out again._

 _“What does ‘touché’ mean?” the Shadow asked._

 _“I don’t - Didn’t we already go over this?” Cub demanded._

 _“Did we?” the Shadow sounded surprised. “I don’t recall.”_

 _“Well, I do! And we’re not going to go over it all again. Now, are you the Pink Panther?”_

 _“Do I look pink to you?”_

 _Cub almost answered “Touché” again, but he forced himself not to. “Then what are you?” he asked instead._

 _“I am a wolf,” the Shadow declared._

 _“Now that we’ve gotten that cleared up, would you help me up already?” Cub said impatiently._

 _“What?”_

 _“Help. Me. Up!” Cub ground out, frustrated._

 _“Why?”_

 _“Just help me up, Shadow!”_

 _“Shadow?” the Shadow - the wolf - repeated, somewhat taken aback._

 _“Yes, Shadow! That’s your name, isn’t it?”_

 _“Not as far as I know,” the wolf replied, frowning._

 _“Oh,” Cub paused. “So what is your name?”_

 _“Wolf.”  
_  
“Here we go again,” Wolf moaned dismally.

 _“Now that’s an original name for you,” Cub scoffed. “Well then, help me up, Wolfy!”_

 _“Wolf, not Wolfy,” Wolf corrected._

 _“Do I look like I care?” Cub asked. The basket was seriously beginning to gouge into his back. He would probably have scars for the rest of his life!_

 _“I don’t know what you would look like if you did care,” Wolf said, frowning. “So how would I know if you look like you care or not?”_

 _Cub carefully counted to ten before he replied. “Just help me stand up, and then we’ll figure it out. Okay?” Cub held up his hand in anticipation of  Wolf actually being helpful and helping him up._

 _To Cub’s great surprise, Wolf did actually help him up. He sauntered over, gripped Cub’s sleeve in his mouth, and pulled the lad up. Quite the strong wolf in Cub’s opinion. Not that he had ever seen a weak wolf, but Wolf was quite strong by any comparison._

 _After he had dragged Cub into a standing position, Wolf took on a  very thoughtful expression._

 _“What are you?” he asked._

 _“A human, of course!” Cub replied, offended that Wolf hadn’t already known that._

 _“Huh. Well, you certainly taste good,” Wolf muttered quietly, obviously not meaning for Cub to hear him._

 _“What is it with you SAS people wanting to eat me?” Alex objected violently. “Wait! Never mind. I don’t want to know.”_

 _“You sure?” Fox grinned at him._

 _Alex nodded vehemently, regretting that he had ever brought the subject up in the first place. “Continue, Snake!” he ordered before any of the others could actually tell him._

 _“Right,” Cub looked faintly grossed out by Wolf’s comment. “I have to go…” Cub said, walking off towards the House of Horrors, a.k.a.: Grandmother’s house._

 _“What’s your name?” Wolf asked suddenly, bounding up to walk alongside Cub._

 _“Cub,” Cub replied hesitantly. He couldn’t figure out why the wolf was following him. What was that his mother had always said about telling strangers his names? He couldn’t remember._

 _“Where’re you going?” Wolf continued his interrogation._

 _“To my grandmother’s house,” Cub replied, walking faster, the basket weighing down heavily on his back. Speaking of the basket… he had never found out what that delicious smell was coming from, had he? Oh well, he couldn’t investigate now, since he was a little too busy trying to lose the wolf shadow that he had somehow acquired._

 _“Why are you going there?”_

 _“My mother told me to go there as punishment for bothering my sister.”_

 _“So you don’t want to go there?”_

 _Cub leveled a glare at Wolf. “If I wanted to go there, it wouldn’t be a punishment, would it?”_

 _“Oh,” Wolf nodded slowly, before changing the subject. “Why do you have all of that food? And why aren’t you eating it?”_

 _“You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” Cub groaned. “My mother sent the food, and she told me that I wasn’t allowed to eat any of it.”_

 _“So why aren’t you eating it?”_

 _“Because my mother told me not to,” Cub answered slowly._

 _“So?” Wolf asked. “I would have already eaten it all.”_

 _“Grandmother knows that I’m bringing it, though,” Cub said. Then he frowned. “I think she does, anyway.”_

 _“But does she know how much you’re taking?”_

 _“Probably not…” Cub said slowly._

 _“And you’re still not going to eat any of it?” Wolf scoffed, shaking his head scornfully._

 _“I didn’t say that,” Cub protested. No way was he going to be seen as a goody two shoes!_

 _“It smells really good,” Wolf said matter of fatly, and then he turned away and walked off of the path. “See you later!” he called over his shoulder._

 _Cub paused to heave a great sigh of relief as Wolf walked away. He started marching off on to his grandmother’s house, but then he stopped._

 _“Why shouldn’t I eat some?” he asked himself. Out loud, so that it didn’t seem as lonely in the woods. Even though he hadn’t known Wolf, he had made a good walking companion, and now Cub missed his presence._

 _“I think I will eat some of it!” he decided. Now he just had to figure out how to get the basket off of his back. None of his plans had exactly worked earlier._

 _Cub considered his dilemma for a moment. To maximize his thinking abilities, he scratched his head like he had seen his father do many times whenever he was confronted with a difficult task, like making the bed or washing dishes. It always worked, too, because eventually Cub’s mother would march over, call him useless, and do the chore herself, usually ratcheting the entire time._

 _There was no mum here to get the basket off, though. If Cub wanted it off, he would have to do it himself._

 _Cub decided to try to rub the basket off on a tree. He picked a nice, large specimen of a tree as his designated basket rubber, and marched up to it, put his back to it, and proceeded with Project: Rub._

 _It was a long and frustrating process. A process that did not even end well! All that happened after rubbing and rubbing the basket against the tree was that a pine cone or something fell out of the tree and hit Cub in the head. Otherwise, there was no reward._

 _Cub once again referred to his Dictionary of Words That Are Majorly Unapproved of by Parents. He yelled at himself, trying to order himself to think of some course of action, but he couldn’t think of anything. Finally, he was so angry that he started trying to murder his clothes, specifically his shirt._

 _He pulled at his shirt, ratcheting angrily at it. Then he pulled on something that wasn’t the same material as his shirt. It was leather, not cotton, and it  was shaped somewhat like the strap on a basket would be._

 _Cub shrugged, since he wasn’t sure what the strap was. It wasn’t as if he had a basket on his back, after all._

 _Then he stopped and frowned thoughtfully. He did have a basket on his back, didn’t he? Cub examined the newly discovered strap curiously. Maybe this was why the basket wouldn’t come off of his back! If that was true, though, then there would be another strap, or else the basket would have fallen off of this one shoulder long ago._

 _Cub quickly turned his head to his other shoulder, and sure enough, there was another little strap!_

 _Cub tentatively tried to pull the straps off of his shoulders. He grinned victoriously as the basket slipped off of his shoulders and crashed to the ground._

 _He immediately opened said basket, and stuck his head into it so as to be able to smell around better. He searched around for the food that had emitted that absolutely delicious smell earlier, but he couldn’t smell it anymore. He rummaged through everything, and he might have squished a pecan pie or two in the process. Just maybe, though._

 _It wasn’t in there. Whatever had smelled so scrumptious was gone, missing, lost forever! Cub couldn’t understand it. Where had it gone? Finally, he was forced to face the possibility that that Wolf creature must have taken his precious… whatever it was!_

 _Cub was fairly sure that smoke was coming out of his ears, or, at the very least, out of his mouth._

 _He was very tempted to just sit there and rant and ratchet at the very thought of the wolf stealing his food, but he realized that time was rolling on, and he would have to hurry up if he didn’t want to be forced to spend the night at his grandmother’s house. That was always a good thing to avoid. It was bad enough just visiting for a few hours, let alone staying all night!_

 _So he settled for just stuffing his face with the chocolate cake that was in there. He carefully inspected his face and hands for any signs of evidence, and found none. The one thing that everyone agreed on about Cub was that he was not a messy eater. Really, he was just too greedy to want to waste even a little bit._

 _Fortified, but still incredibly pissed off at the wolf, Cub marched diligently on towards Grandmother’s, hoping that he would get there in time to escape before dark.  
Cub approached the little cottage with no small amount of trepidation. His grandmother’s abode was a small little gray brick house. It looked deceptively cozy. In reality, though, it was the house where many brave souls had lost their minds from the dreaded Hug Torture. Cub absolutely refused to fall! He would stand strong and emerge the victor!_

 _Cub puffed out his chest, and started towards the cottage. He cut his eyes from side to side the entire march. She might be outside, just waiting to catch him by surprise and squeeze the life out of him!_

 _He sternly coached himself to calm down. He’d heard somewhere that wild animals would attack you if they smelled fear, and he didn’t want to risk it. She hugged him enough as it was!_

 _Cub took the last remaining step towards the door. Inhaling deeply, he rapped his knuckles sharply against the door. He absolutely refused to use that damned pink flower knocker. If he ever touched that thing, he would have to cut off the poor hand that had been foolish enough to touch it. There couldn’t be enough soap or psychologists in the world to help him recover if he ever did touch it._

 _The door was flung open. Cub didn’t even blink. And they said he was eccentric! Anyone who’d ever said that about him had obviously never met his grandmother. If you looked up “Cub’s Grandmother” in the dictionary, it would say “see eccentric”. In Cub’s own personal dictionary, however, it would tell you to go to quite the different word._

 _Anyway, the door was flung open, Cub didn’t even blink, and the grandmother lady had immediately begun hobbling down the hallway to her kitchen without even greeting (hugging) Cub._

 _Happy day! Cub didn’t know what had brought on this lack of hugs, but he was overjoyed by the lack of “praise”._

 _He reckoned that he was supposed to be following Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet -_

“It’s me!” Eagle cheered excitedly. “It’s me! It’s me!”

“We’ve established the fact that it’s you, Eagle,” Alex said irritably.

“You’re crabby, Cub!” Eagle turned to Snake. “He’s crabby!” he said, pointing at Alex.

“Watch out,” Wolf cautioned with a smirk. “Get too close and he might pinch you.”

Eagle stared blankly. “What?”

“Get too close and - ” Wolf began, then, “Never mind.”

Eagle seemed about to ask again, maybe just to be annoying, but then his expression cleared. “It’s me!” he cheered again.

Snake winced and continued diligently with the story.

 _\- so with a resigned sigh, he did just that._

 _“Hurry up, dear boy!” Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet squawked from the kitchen in a voice that was even higher and squawkier than usual._

 _Cub cautiously entered the kitchen. It didn’t look dangerous, but it was filled with foods that the Grandmother of the ridiculously long name deemed to be “healthy”. Needless to say, a boy of Cub’s great intellect didn’t believe for a single minute that carrots and lettuce and various other rabbit foods were healthy! No, only chocolate, pizza, ice cream, cake, soda, and any possible combination of said foods deserved the term healthy._

 _Grandmother (still of the ridiculously long name) was standing at the sink with her back to Cub, washing her hands._

 _“Put the basket down,” she ordered, still squawkier than usual._

 _“Yes, Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet,” Cub said dutifully, placing the humongous basket on the table._

 _“Dear god!” the lady said, not turning around. “Is that my name?”_

 _Cub noticed with interest that his grandmother’s voice was quite suddenly very deep._

 _“I mean, good lad!” the woman continued, this time in her former Voice of Annoyance._

 _When she didn’t turn around, or say anything else, Cub ventured hesitantly, “I think I’ll head home now, Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet.”_

 _“Let’s not be formal!” the grandmother said in what Cub assumed was supposed to be a jovial tone. It sounded very strained and harsh. “Call me Wolf - I mean, Eagle! Just call me Eagle!”_

 _Well, that was certainly… interesting, Cub thought. Wolf… That sounded familiar… Hmm. It must have been in a book that he’d read sometime._

 _“Goodbye, Eagle,” he said, deciding to humor the old bat._

 _“NO!” said old bat shrieked. “You’re not allowed to go home!”_

 _And she spun around, and grabbed Cub by the arm. Cub caught a quick glimpse of her face. “Wow, what big teeth you have!” he giggled hysterically. “And check out those ears! And what do you call that?! A full-facial beard?”_

 _She didn’t answer. Instead, she whirled him around, and flung him into the broom closet._

 _“What are you doing, you old hag?!” Cub shrieked, banging his fists on the door…._

 _Huh. That’s strange. “Why’s the door soft?” Cub whispered to himself. “And wrinkly? Why’s the door wrinkly? What strange dimension have I been sent to?! All alone on this desert island! I’ll never sur - ”_

 _“Cut the drama!” a voice that greatly resembled his grandmother’s non-sick voice said. “You’re not hitting the door, you’re hitting me! You’re in a closet, not a ‘strange dimension’, and you’re not all alone!”_

 _“Who’re you?” Cub whispered, shrinking back in fear. No! Not fear! A Cub never fears! He simply shrank back in caution._

 _“Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet, of course!” the Disembodied Voice retorted sharply._

 _“You can’t be that old bat! She just threw me in here!”_

 _“Old bat?” Disembodied Voice asked, tone silky, almost dangerous. Cub shrank even farther back in caution._

 _Cub abandoned all caution and bringing the worst word that he could possibly imagine out of his private dictionary, “No, that old fart!”_

 _Disembodied Voice gasped… Or maybe there was a Disembodied Gasp in here as well? “What did you just call me?”_

 _“Uh… Disembodied Voice?”_

 _“What?” Now Disembodied Voice sounded taken aback. “Wait - never mind! I don’t want to hear it! All I want to do is get us out of here!”_

 _At that moment, the closet door opened sharply, and Cub fell back out of it. He’d done more shrinking back in caution than he’d thought._

 _“Ow,” he said calmly, staring up at the face of the Wolf that he’d met earlier. Wolf was dressed quite differently now, though. Instead of his fur coat, he was wearing the same dress and bonnet that Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet had been wearing earlier._

 _“Hello,” Cub greeted Wolf. “When did you get here?”_

 _“I’ve been here the whole time!” Wolf cackled._

 _“How come I didn’t see you before, then?”_

 _Wolf stared down at him. “You are the most unobservant little Cub I have ever met,” he commented._

 _“You’ve met other Cubs?” Cub leaped up. “Where? I’ll kill them, the little identity thieves!” He spun around, making for the door to the outside so that he could escape, but found himself running in place instead of halfway back to his house._

 _“What?” he said, totally clueless._

 _“You’re not going anywhere, morsel!” Wolf cackled rather evilly._

 _“Morsel?” Cub asked._

 __“Morsel?!” Alex demanded, cutting into the story. “You always want to eat me! Why does everybody want to eat me?!”

“Well, you are pretty hot,” Eagle commented.

All the others stared at him, Alex looking rightfully horrified. Wolf coughed “Pedophile,” into his hand.

“I mean, from a totally unbiased point of view! Just one totally straight guy to another!” Eagle blustered quickly.

“Right,” Snake nodded, looking rather disturbed. “Continuing on…”

 _“Morsel?” Cub asked again when Wolf didn’t answer him._

 _Wolf looked down at him again, blinking repeatedly, as if he’d forgotten what was happening. “What?” he asked dazedly._

 _“Why did you call me morsel?” Cub’s disgust at the nickname was evident in every syllable._

 _“Did I?” Wolf asked vaguely, scratching his head. His finger - paw? - touched the bonnet that he was wearing, and his face was priceless as he realized what exactly it was that he was wearing. He ripped it off quickly, and threw it onto the ground._

 _“Where’s my grandmother? Did you eat her?” Cub asked eagerly._

 _“No, you stupid boy!” came a very disgruntled voice. Cub looked behind him, where the voice was coming from._

 _Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet came out of the closet -_

 __“Well that certainly sheds some new light on things,” Alex muttered, obviously referring to the earlier, very scarring incident.

Fox snickered.

“Anything you want to tell us, Eagle?” Wolf asked, almost jovially. Alex could hear just the slightest hint of laughter in his voice.

“What?” Eagle asked blankly.

“You know,” Alex smirked. “About your… preferences?”

“What are you talking about?” Eagle asked, his voice still clueless.

“He’s asking if you’re a fairy queen!” Wolf finally burst in, barely holding in the laughter now.

“Continuing on!” Snake announced over the chortling of his teammates and Eagle’s pathetic requests for someone to tell him what the hell everyone was going on about.

 _Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet came out of the closet -_

 __“Remember, Eagle,” Alex cut in, seriously. “Closets are for clothes!”

The rest of the unit, everyone except for Eagle, that is, burst into laughter.

Alex watched, rather amused, as he realized that he’d successfully managed to reduce three quarters of a team of highly trained soldiers to a giggling mess. Maybe this tactic would work on some of his missions! Of course, there would always be one like Eagle, glaring mutinously at the troublemaker, Alex. And with his luck, that would be the one holding the gun.

After quite a while of hysterics and quoting each other, the men slowly calmed down. Eventually, Snake recovered enough to continue the story.

 _Anyway, she emerged from her closet, and poked a plump finger into Cub’s chest. “Rude child!” she sniffed, then turned to Wolf. “Get out of my house!”_

 _“Yes, ma’am!” Wolf saluted her and marched to the door. Just as he was about to step out of it, though, he got a funny look on his face, and he turned around._

 _“You won’t get rid of me that easy!” he glowered at the old lady and her rebellious grandson._

 _“Well, it was worth a try,” the old woman sighed._

 __“Snake,” Fox cut in, with a bit of an edge to his voice. “Where am I?”

“You’re in our cabin,” Eagle said helpfully.

“I meant in the story!” Fox answered with a growl.

“You actually want to be in the story?” Wolf demanded, raising an eyebrow. “Why would you want to be in Little Red Riding Hood?”

“You’re the one who suggested this story!” Alex said. “Stop whining.”

“I feel left out!” Fox replied, almost pouting.

“What is this, caring and sharing time?” Alex grumbled.

“Now who’s whining?” Wolf demanded, smirking at the young spy.

“Everybody just relax!” Snake was, for once, the voice of reason. “Fox, be patient. You’re coming!”

Wolf and Alex somehow managed to snort in unison at that one.

Snake looked confused for a moment, but then his expression cleared. “Get your minds out of the gutter!” he snapped irritably.

 _“How are we going to get rid of him, Eagle?” Cub asked his grandmother._

 _The old woman turned to glare at him. “What did you call me?” she asked, lowly, almost dangerously._

 _“Um… Eagle?” Cub asked, backing away in caution._

 _“How dare you!” the old lady squawked indignantly. “You refer to me as Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet, and nothing less than that!”_

 _“But you told me that I could call you Eagle!” Cub protested._

 _“Actually,” Wolf butted in, raising a paw. “That was me.”_

 _“And you’re a thieving little identity thief!” Grandmother Pink Eagle etc., etc. rounded on Wolf._

 _Cub was very confused. “When did you do that?”_

 _“When I was impersonating your grandmother,” Wolf explained, cringing back in fear when said grandmother glared at him._

 _“When was that?” Cub asked, still greatly confused. “Where was my grandmother?”_

 _“In the closet, imbecile,” Grandmother what’sherface replied, rolling her eyes. “What do you think?”_

 _“You were the Disembodied Voice and the Disembodied Gasp?” Cub gasped._

 _“He really is quite dull, isn’t he?” Wolf asked Grandmother conversationally._

 _“He’s not the brightest crayon in the box,” Grandmother agreed with a weary sigh. “He gets it from the other side of the family, of course.”_

 _“Of course,” Wolf agreed smoothly._

 _“I’m not a crayon!” Cub wrinkled up his nose. “They taste like wax! Now glue on the other hand… Glue tastes good!”_

 _“That explains it,” Wolf and Grandmother said in unison._

 __“Glue does taste good,” Eagle mused, and Alex could have sworn that he saw Wolf nodding in agreement.

Snake rolled his eyes and continued with his story.

 _Just then the door burst open and a man with a crazy gleam in his eyes burst into the room, holding an MP5._

 __“Crazy gleam? That has to be Fox,” Alex said, grinning as Fox leaned over and hit him gently.

“Would you shut up and let me tell the story?!” Snake shrieked, finally running out of patience.

 _The man opened his insane eyes wider than any eyes should be able to wide, and brandished his gun around. “I’ve got you now, Wolf!” he shrieked._

 _“Not again,” Wolf moaned, rolling his eyes to the heavens, as if asking the ceiling for patience._

 _“This time you won’t escape!” The man paused, probably to let Wolf shriek in terror. When Wolf just looked at him with a bored expression on his face, Insane Man continued at a rather high pitch. “I’ll make you into a bearskin rug!”_

 _Wolf cocked his head to the side. “Now how do you plan to do that?” he inquired._

 _“I’ll shoot you, then I’ll skin you! How do you think?” Insane Man retorted. Cub was rather surprised that the man wasn’t foaming at the mouth._

 _“Fox,” Wolf said patiently. “You can’t make a wolf into a bearskin rug.”_

 _Fox frowned. “Who said anything about making a wolf into a bearskin rug? I want to make you into one!”_

 _Wolf sighed and patiently tried to explain. “I’m not a bear! I’m a wolf!”_

 _“You are?” Fox blinked._

 _“Why do you think I’m called Wolf?!”_

 _“I dunno,” Fox shrugged. “I figured it was just a codename or something.”_

 __“Very clever, Snake,” Wolf put in, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up,” Snake sniffed, glaring at him.

 _“Wolf would make a stupid codename!” Cub piped up. “Now Cub on the other hand…”_

 __Alex was laughing as he clung to Wolf’s arm, trying to keep the older man from attacking Snake. Snake himself was too busy preening to participate in his own safety.

 _“You’re really starting to annoy me, Cub,” Wolf said, glaring at the boy._

 _“Me, too!” Fox said, not wanting to be left out._

 _“You just got here,” Cub glared at Fox._

 _“You’re still annoying us both,” Wolf said, grinning for some unfathomable reason._

 _“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Fox asked Wolf, grinning._

 _Wolf’s eyes lit up. “I believe so.”_

 _“What are you talking about?” Cub asked nervously._

 _Wolf didn’t answer. Instead, he walked around Cub, eyeing him with a professional eye._

 _“Hmm… With the right seasoning, he just might do fine!” Wolf announced._

 _“Seasoning?” Cub asked, gulping._

 _“Yep,” Wolf said. “I’m thinking some garlic, maybe…”_

 _“Why do I need seasoning?”_

 _“Well I’m certainly not going to eat plain Cub! How… barbaric!”_

 __“I don’t like this story,” Alex said.

“Shut up,” Snake said. “It gets better.”

“Better for who?” Alex muttered, but he didn’t say anything else.

 _Cub shrieked, and dashed over to his grandmother, and hugged her legs. “Don’t let them eat me, Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet!” he begged, staring up at her face._

 _“Gentlemen!” the grandmother said. “You are not going to eat my grandson!”_

 _Fox and Wolf looked at each other. Fox raised an eyebrow, and Wolf shrugged. Fox grinned, and then hit Grandmother Pink Eagle Feather Bonnet in the head with his gun._

 _The woman dropped like a stone._

 __  
“I’m with Cub,” Eagle said.

Alex looked over at him with wide eyes. “No way!” he objected.

Fox just looked faintly disturbed.

“Cub, why didn’t you tell us?” Wolf smirked. “Do we get an invitation to the wedding?”

Eagle’s face held a priceless expression of confusion. Slowly, realization dawned. “Oh!” he said. “I mean, I agree with Cub! This story sucks.”

“Opinion overruled,” Fox said. “I like it.”

“You only like it because your character knocked mine out!” Eagle objected.

“Of course,” Fox agreed, grinning. “Continue, Snake.”

 _Cub backed slowly away. “What did you do that for?” he asked, frowning._

 _“He really is incredibly dull,” Fox commented, staring at Cub in fascination. “How can someone operate with that little brain?”_

 _“Search me,” Wolf shrugged. “All I know is that he tastes good.”_

 _“Alright,” Fox said. “I’ll take care of grandma.” He dragged Cub’s grandmother back into her closet, and shut the door._

 _“Let’s just use her kitchen,” Wolf said. “Here, help me tie the Cub up.”_

 _“I thought you two were enemies!” Cub said, in an  attempt to distract them._

 _Both the man and Wolf shrugged. “We aren’t. We just use that sometimes. It’s fun,” Wolf said._

 _The last thing Cub saw of this world was Wolf happily bounding off to make sure that they had the cooking supplies that they’d need, and Fox’s gun pointed at his head._

 _“At least I wasn’t hugged,” he consoled himself, then Fox pulled the trigger._

 _The end!_

 _  
_Snake sat back with a sigh. “It’s finally over!” he rejoiced.

“You ate me again!” Alex shrieked. “Why do you always have to eat me?!”

“Because this is how you react,” Snake sniggered. “It’s a pity that we don’t have a camera right now, isn’t it?” he asked the others.

“Oh, I agree,” Fox said. “I’ve never seen that shade of red on anyone before.”

All four of the men collapsed laughing, while Alex stared at them.

“Never again!” Alex proclaimed. “You are never going to eat me in tomorrow’s story, or any other night’s as long as we’re here!”

Eagle bounced around with glee. “We get a story every night! We get a story every night!”

Fox, Snake, and Wolf stopped laughing. “Cub!” they shouted in unison.

“Now we have to tell stories every night?” Fox groaned. “It’s your fault, Cub!”

Snake and Wolf both nodded their agreement.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have eaten me!” Cub retorted angrily.

“It’s your fault! You - ” Wolf began.

“Guys!” Snake cut in. “Hold up,” he sighed wearily. “We can’t be fighting amongst ourselves. We have to unite against that,” he said pointing at Eagle.

The four more or less sane people stared at Eagle who was dancing around the room, holding an imaginary microphone, and singing.

“We get a story every night! We get a story every night!”

\--

The spacing may be messed up a bit. Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations! You made it to the end! Now, I sincerely hope that if you've made it this far, you've figured out a Very Important Thing: This is no ordinary fic. No, this is a crackfic!
> 
> And Jusmine would like it to be known that as she cannot even afford an iPod, there is no way that she is going to be able to pay for therapy for all of you. For that she is very sorry.
> 
> 1: Nightwish. The best band ever!
> 
> 2: A tirade from that wonderful comic strip called "Calvin and Hobbes".
> 
> 3: From the Disney movie "The Sword In the Stone". Two simple steps: watch, adore. lol. :D


End file.
